Thoughts and Ideas...Easier Said Than Done

Dont try to justify what you did to me. You use me, confuse me, but you dont want to lose me..

Fri, 13 Jan 2006 23:37:05 GMT

it may seem like its been a while since i updated, but it hasnt been..you just cant read them..sucks huh :P dont worry though, i didnt die, if you would worry anyways...i dont know.

Its friday the 13th, and it has proven to be a bad day. Once again, i cant effing wait to get out of highschool...i hate almost everything about it. I broke down, it felt good (okay well obviously it didnt because i was upset, dur) but ive been feeling so many different ways lately it just felt like i was getting it all out. I hate girls at my school, they are all drawn into their own little perfect world and cant see the people around then, and how they affect those people. They dont see how they can crush someone with such low self-esteem and it doesnt matter to them at all...you dont see what you do to me, and i dont want your half hearted apology...keep it to yourself. enough said. mmkay thanks

My BIRTHDAY is coming up soon, and i could not be ANY more happy. Im going to be 18!! and its the most exciting thing i have to look forward to at this point. I know its not going to change much just overnight, but who cares, im going to be 18 and thats good enough to me. I want out of here! I dont really think im doing much, kelsi and i started planning a mini road trip for midwinter break, which is the week after our birthday...perfect timing if you ask me, but we havent done much with that so im sure thats not happening, i just want to do something with her, i mean our birthday is the SAME day, how awesome is that?? but im not sure she will want to...her and tiffany seem to have plans. I dunno...who cares, i just want to be 18! lol

Welll, im doing pretty well personally, im sick of boys, one in particular, but thats nothing new, im not getting too worked up about it, what happens happens and im fine with it at this point. Just stop using me and making me look like a fool..youre no better than me and stop making me feel like you think you are..i dont need another person making me feel like im not good enough, ive got plenty already. School work is pretty easy but im just behind because im what you call a procrastinator. lol Plus, the rain is SO DEPRESSING! i think its about time it settles down and the sun comes out...its miserable.

Well, its a three day weekend and im very thankful for that, i need a break from school at this point, bring on more sleep time! lol Oh and im in love with jack johnson now! :)

Adios amigos, hasta luego!

All i wanted for christmas was you..

Thu, 29 Dec 2005 04:52:44 GMT

I havent updated this in forever, its alwasy weird when i come back to update...but anyways im not updating everything thats been going on all month, but im sure nothing too exciting has happened.

I looked forward to christmas for a very long time, and now its already come and gone, it wasnt too exciting. I had a good time, just...nothing special. It gets less and less exciting every year. I wish i were a kid again...err, sometimes. lol Here are some pictures from christmas, the little boy is my cousins baby titus, hes adorable! yeah, he can ride a dirt bike and hes 3! hes pretty good too haha

Derek

Doug and Kristen

Grandma and aunt gaye

Me and my cousin karmen

Titus riding his little dirt bike

Titus

Gary

Cousin Jeff

Cousin Troy

This is the little house thing i built with titus's linkin logs, he kept knocking it over and making me rebuild it...i think i built it about 20 times lol

I stayed at kelsi's house on christmas night, it was pretty fun, she had fun climbing into one of those huge recycling bags.. it was pretty entertaining :)

The next day we went shopping, of course, ohh yeah.. When we got back we discovered that her cat had died under her bed, and we slept in there...it was quite..i dunno, we couldnt say anything, it was gross, and sad..poor goldy..rip

Anyways....new years is this weekend..im going to kennys to hang out with everyone there... :) hopefully that will be fun. Another year is gone, its finally going to be 2006, thats my year...ive been waiting for 2006 for way too long now, im going to be graduating soon, ill be 18! i can not wait, i wanna be 18 so bad, then people cant hold it against me that im still a 'kid'...im not jail bait anymore! haha..and i want out of highschool so bad..This better be a good year! :)

I hope you all have a great new years! dont party too hard lol :)

Its december finally! and its snowing! what more could you ask for..

Thu, 01 Dec 2005 22:24:49 GMT

YAY its snowiiiingg!! its so pretty, i love it. Well things are going pretty dang well...finals are over! new classes on monday! theyre going to be harder, but hopefully it will be nice...things are looking pretty good...ryans supposed to come visit me at work tonight and im super excited but now that its snowing i doubt he will....its been so long! Well kelsi is coming over now to drink hot chocolate, watch movies, and admire the snow lol. catch ya later...oh, i got so excited i went and took picture...its just too pretty not to lol i tried throwing koda out in the snow but he didnt like it lol...ill post them in this cut for your viewing pleasure lol <3

Which would you prefer? My finger on the trigger or me face down down across your floor?

Fri, 25 Nov 2005 05:59:37 GMT

So thanksgiving...i never really look forward to it because the food is never anything super amazing and we have to drive all the way to my aunt and uncles where i proceed to be bored and listen to my uncle brag about himself...man how i love that..but it turned out fine and i cant complain, ive had worse, i didnt even have a thanksgiving last year...we played ping pong and monopoly, it was awesome lol

No school tomorrow, im stoked, im going to lay around all day and watch movies that i rented then go to work. Sounds pretty good to me lol So i have no plans for this weekend so far and i hope i can do something fun, or just lay around and watch movies lol how exciting. Anyways i dont want to ramble on about things that are going on right now...maybe later lol

My dad and uncle Dan

Grandpa and cousin Troy

My cousin Troy

My cousin Blake

Troy and grandpa

Aunt Gaye and Grandma

Aunt Gaye

Haha look how into it he is! it was funny

grandma!

I will wreck you..

Thu, 24 Nov 2005 07:06:32 GMT

It always seems like nothing can ever go right for very long, there is always one problem right after another, no one can always be happy, i always screw something up one way or another...i dont know what to do..

Today was such a good day too...i tried skipping school since it was a half day but my dad made me go since i skipped yesterday. But anyways we did the glass blowing lab in chemistry which was a lot of fun. I was heating some glass and it broke and i guess my stupid ass almost picked it up lol, this ben kid and julia yelled at me not to pick it up because well obviously it was burning hot, well im stupid and didnt even realize i was going to grab it...lucky me though i didnt touch it lol. We all got to show our true blowing skills though...haha. Then in second period we watched a funny movie, and in third period we just did accounting like normal, which i enjoy, and i found out i got a 94% on my test! woo hooo.

Then i got to work and everything was okay, but of course my dad was a jerk and pissed me off. I just hate that he really doesnt see how rude he is, hes like this all the time. He does stupid little things and makes rude comments, then when i comment about it he freaks out on me. He judges people he doesnt even know, and i mean i know everyone can judge someone they see or hear without knowing them, but you dont have to announce your judgement. It makes me mad, and i knew the people he was judging and he was completely wrong. So it pissed me off...but no, of course im the one being mean and im never right, my opinion doesnt matter, and im not seeing the whole picture, or whatever...its stupid, just because im 'young' doesnt mean i dont know anything. thank you. but anyways i got over that and things were fine...

Now to the worst part...Theres so many things i wish i knew how to handle, i wish i knew what to do about it, how to treat situations differently than i do, i dont know..

So i know you think i dont want to be friends, i know you think i dont care, the little interest i show is all an act right? Wrong. I dont know how to explain it to you. First i just want you to know i want to be friends, I do care about you. I think its just hard for you to understand this, because you dont know how i am. Like, we dont REALLY know eachother that much, in a sense that we dont know how we act, and how we act around people or what our actions really mean...and thats a big part of knowing someone i think. I really dont know how to explain it, but...its hard for me to stick with things and really show people i care, but i do think about you. I know thats not a good way to be a friend, but i have trouble with it...i am the same way with a lot of my friends, not just you. And friends that live closer to me, go to the same school as me even! and im the same way...I know we dont live that close, but its still not far enough to keep us apart, and things havent worked out, and it is mainly my fault, i just dont know what to do about it...I know that youre always upset, and i always think it has at least something to do with me, i hate that, i hate that i make you sad all the time, i hate knowing that youre upset, and even more that its because of me and something i cant change. Well actually that i can change but just...dont. Im sorry. When we have a conversation, its not that i dont want to talk to you, its just...when i talk to people online i dont usually have a good conversation, i dunno...its just always the same thing with us, the same boring thing, i mean honestly...you make comments about stuff i dont know whats going on without explaining it to me and i just have to go along with it. We dont actually talk about things, and whenever youre upset or something you never tell me. I dont know, i dont know what to do about that...the conversation part is lacking...but it has nothing to do with me not wanting to talk to you. If i didnt want to talk to you then i wouldnt. I know im not a very good friend, trust me, ive had my share of lost friends and i know its my fault, i just dont make the move to do anything, im not big on hanging out, i never do anything, im not very social anymore, and as a result ive lost a lot of people i care about. I hate it, but it has happened, ive come to some wall that blocks me from putting out the effort to change it, and i dont know why, i dont know why i dont want to. Seriously, i dont know what to tell you, Please just dont let me have that much of an effect on you that i make you sad all the time, i dont want my stupidness and lack of courage to actually do stuff, hurt you. I dont want the pressure of something as little as that making you sad. You deserve waaaay better and you know it. I do care about you, its been a long time now and i still care about you just as much okay, i want to be friends, i want to talk to you, and i want to hang out, i want to see you too dont worry, its been way too long. Just dont let it get you down that im such a bad friend, i need to change and i hate that i make you feel this way...ill try, but dont think im doing it just to make you feel better, i know i need to do it, and not just with you...im sorry...youre a great person and i care about you a lot, remember that..

So onto another thing...IM NEVER FREAKING TELLING YOU ANYTHING EVER AGAIN! ive started to realize the way certain people really are, how different they are than how you had always looked at them. Ive been learning a lot about the friends i have and how good of friends they really are. At this point, i know theres one person i thought i could tell anything to and trust them with it, but they think its funny or something to go tell...and its not even that they just go tell people, its that you come to me ONLY when you want to know something, you beg me to tell you, when i know you dont really care about me and how i really feel about it, you just want to know the details, you want in on the gossip. So you beg me and convince me to tell you, you tell me i can tell you anything, that i can trust you, "you should be able to tell me anything" you say to me. I wont tell anyone you can trust me. BULL! You make me believe you, i really do think that youre sincere and that i can tell you anything and trust you. Theres something about you that makes me feel like i can pour out my heart to you and i will still be okay. Well screw that! dont come to me and lie to me, dont tell me i can trust you and that i can tell you anything, and seriously....dont come talk to me just when you want to know who im talking about or what im talking about. You wouldnt talk to me any other time, and knowing that the only reason you talk to me is to get in on the gossip...isnt cool, do you think i like knowing that you dont come takl to me just to talk, you dont care how im doing, do you think i like knowing you only come to me when you want something? No i dont really enjoy that, doesnt make me feel very great. mmkay thanks

Have a great night everyone

Time will tell if it all turns out okay..

Mon, 21 Nov 2005 21:49:22 GMT

I hate liars, and people who are always so angry and just hate everyone...seriously, who needs all that stress, just be nice, its not so hard people.

I hate that you came to me personally and told me that you dont hate me, that you have never had a problem with me, and you sat there and talked to me like we were friends. When i knew you were lying, i knew you dont like me, and now i hear from other people that you still say you hate me and you talk about me. Dont lie to me! seriously, cant you stick up for yourself and just tell me you dont like me and leave it at that, stop talking about me! Thanks to those couple of you that stood up for me when she was talking about me, but im just sick of it, because i have no problem with you at all, besides that you talk a whole lot of shit and you hate me for no reason. But thats your opinion, yeah not everyone likes everyone i know...but you dont have to talk about me. Also, if it makes you happy that youre stealing my friend...then thats pretty sad, but as long as it makes you happy i guess, because its working...thank you...i hope you two have fun together...

I feel good when i know youll be around, so quit your life and stay with me..

Mon, 21 Nov 2005 05:05:09 GMT

im sick of going through this stupid crap all the time. im sick of the way people act, im sick of highschool and all the stupid drama. Ive been hanging out with older people who are out of highschool and its seriously so much better, they dont care about any of the stupid things, they dont talk crap about people, and there are never any problems.

I dont understand you. I dont see why we go through these stupid times without talking when supposedly you arent mad. Why cant you ever talk to me? why cant you ever tell me how you feel, you never come to me to tell me things, you can never tell me youre sorry, or even ask if everythings okay. How can you be okay with just not talking? do you even care? like, does it even hurt or bother you at all? i dunno, i just cant understand how you can be so fine with not seeing or talking to me, because i go crazy. I do care and i hate not talking to you. But this has happened so many times, and i really just dont want to keep doing this, i dont want to keep going through these stages, but i dont want to lose you either. I hate how i feel like i care about you soooo much and youre always the first person i want to tell things to or do something with, but i feel like you dont feel that way about me, i dont feel like you would come to me first or want to tell me something, or think about me and want to do something with me. I dont feel like you care about me as much as i care about you, and i dont want to keep putting myself out there and just get hurt. I think youre amazing, but i feel like im second best, i dont know. If you really do care as much as i do, cant you just let me know sometimes? show me you care, or i will probably just keep doubting it. But i really dont want to lose you because i love you, i think youre amazing. Just lately youve been kinda mean or just, not there. and i never allow myself to get annoyed with you, i never get mad at you but i always feel like youre annoyed with me. So from now on im going to stand up for myself and not just let you say anything and go along with it. I dont know what to do anymore, i dont know why we go through times without talking. But i feel like i have to keep doing this and let you show me you WANT to talk to me, that you care, because i dont know how else you would prove it, and i need to know because i dont really, and it kinda hurts.

But ANYways...this weekend went by really fast, friday night we all went to elise's house and watched a movie, that was pretty fun. Then yesterday i worked all day and then went to oly with marianne melinda kristen and shanna, then emily kenny and beau came by and got me and i went home with them and watched a movie and stayed there for a while. It was fun, then today i worked all day, it was busy all weekend but i liked it, i actually worked and kept busy, except for all the rude people, the boys are so lucky they dont have to deal with the customers, they can ruin your day, theyre so mean :(

Well im super excited that we only have two full days of school this week, how exciting is that. I think im going up to sumner on thursday for thanksgiving...:-/ i can never decide if i like going or totally hate it, im not a big fan of driving all the way up there and then listening to my aunt and uncle brag about how well my cousins are doing in school or whathaveyou...they think theyre better than me...whatever, they probly are. lol its annoying though. I dont like thanksgiving very much

Welp...tomorrow is patricks birthday! :D

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PATRICK!!!!!

OKay so im going to go and maybe get some laundry done before i go to bed, im bored...see ya later!

Straight up now tell me do you really wanna love me forever...do, do you love me?

Sun, 30 Oct 2005 04:02:17 GMT

So i just typed this whole long thing out on here and then my gay ass computer decided to be, well, gay..and screws it all up and i lost it! gah, that angers me. now i dont even feel like redoing it all. But im bored so hey! i may as well, lucky you...

Things are going pretty good..i suppose, there were half days all week which was excellent, but i pretty much wasted it all because i came home and slept all day almost every day, i'm a loser i know. I worked almost all day today, i opened this morning then worked till like 3ish, went home and came back to work at 5..i got off a little after 7, but still..it was a lot of working, i had fun though, i actually kinda wanted to stay, weird i know.. After work i went and rented movies but i have no one to watch them with, which i hate, so i probably wont watch them for a while, until i do lol...anyone up for it? :)

So one thing ive been thinking about quite a bit lately is that that saying 'you neve know what you have until its gone' is pretty much very true...and i hate it for it. I hate that once you lose something, or someone, it's so hard to go back on it and get it back...i have the hardest time putting effort into things and people, friendships, and they slip away from me, and then once it happens i realize how stupid i am and that im screwed now because i cant go back and change it and get them back. Its not that i dont care, its just that im not motivated to do anything, i must think that things will never change and i dont have to worry about it, which isnt true, i just have a hard time putting all the effort in. lol Im probably the most retarded person you will ever know...all of you...i just dont know what to do anymore, but im sorry to all of you that this has happened to..

Okay one thing i hate about myself is that i can not figure out my own feelings for the life of me. I have the hardest time sorting through things and knowing how i actually feel...i cant explain my feelings to anyone if my life depended on it. I hate that i cant make up my mind and as a result of that i could tell you one way i feel and then counter that with the complete opposite, i can almost always see both sides of the story and i cant make decisions. I never really have a strong opinion on anything because of it and i hate that. I cant figure out how i feel for myself so you better not expect me to be able to explain it to you, no hard feelings! I think im actually afraid of committment but havent realized it yet, everytime i get close to someone i care about i get scared and run...i hate 'talking' about things because i can never explain myself and i dont want to hurt anyone. I swear every time i like someone, i will like them no doubt, but when it comes time to actually figuring things out, i get nervous and back away, and its lame i know, but i just dont know why i do this, again with not knowing how i really feel, and why...i wish i had an explanation of every thought or emotion i have, and ive never really been in a relationship and probly need to be, but i dunno...im stupid, and just run away...i dont want to hurt anyone, i just need a slap in the face and a lesson on sorting things out lol :)

But ANYwho....i have no plans for halloween and that sort of saddens me...but i never really do anything on halloween anyways so i guess its not that big of a deal, but i kind of want to go do something. Bad thing is is that i have to work :(....i really wanna go to frightfest though...dang :-/ oh well...

Well i have to work all day tomorrow and then its back to school on monday :( i swear i base my week off of waiting for friday to come...best day ever! :) theyve been good lately too...lol but yeah so hopefully something good will come up, but im sick of this and im pretty bored so for now im outie!

Heaven is not the place you go when you die, its that moment in life when you actually feel alive..

Fri, 21 Oct 2005 05:39:48 GMT

write 25 random facts that people may not know about you. than tag five of your friends to do the same.

1. I'm very emotional but can not express these same emotions if my life depended on it.
2. I'm never happy with myself and im completely insecure but i try to hide it.
3. I've never had a real relationship and everytime things get serious i get scared and push it all away.
4. Some of the people im closest too i dont even know at all anymore and we really are completely different...but i still love them and always will.
5. I say about a million things i want to do but never do, and i hate it.
6. I read horoscopes a lot and i take them seriously, along with fortune cookies.
7. I get jealous really easily, but i cover it up by just saying i dont care.
8. I've wanted to be someone else my whole life.
9. I dont really have any hobbies, and i never do anything in order to find a hobby...its a vicious cycle.
10. I'm really not as smart as people think
11. I have the hardest time making decisions, and i change my mind constantly
12. I care a lot about what people will think of me or what i say, even when i say you shouldnt care what people think.
13. I'm super shy and i dont think i will ever get over it.
14. I am afraid of the dark, not like in my room or something, but like down hallways or outside, ive always imagined there is someone behind me chasing me...when i was little i would run down the hall just because i KNEW someone was there.
15. I hate seeing other couples...again with the jealousy
16. I love the little things, and i take them more seriously than they really are..like when you were younger and someones leg touches yours and you think they like you...all the little things.
17. I love just touching someone else (not perverted either you sickos)
18. I love holding hands and hugs..mister skinner where have you been? you give the best hugs
19. I think people are mad at me or annoyed with me all the time even when they arent...becuase i just think if i were someone else i would think im annoying...again with the insecurity.
20. I dont really like chocolate or candy or cake..or anything like that..only occasionaly.
21. I'm not very passionate about anything, and i dont have anything that is 'my' thing...and its pretty sad actually.
22. I have a lot of regrets and many things i wish i would have done differently...like ive always wished i could re-live my life and just do everything different, and i always think that maybe some day i will be able to, instead of actually doing something to change how it is now..but i get my hopes up..
23. My first kiss didnt really mean anything and i hate that..i mean i liked the person at the time, but i wish i would have actually CARED about the boy..and the place and time just sucked.. :-/ but i did enjoy it none the less lol
24. I'm a big chicken and i cant do anything alone, i always need someone elses approval or i'll think its retarded and start to doubt myself (which i do too much)
25. i love fuzzy things and when im shopping or in stores im attracted to the things that look soft and i cant help but touch them :)

You know that you are not alone, i need you like water in my lungs..

Mon, 17 Oct 2005 05:49:50 GMT

So this weekend was pretty good..no school friday heck yes, i stayed the night at kelsi's thursday after work and then we just layed around and watched tv pretty much all day friday, then i went to work and after work i was going to go to skateland but my dad wouldnt let me go, i heard it was pretty much just filled of drama though so maybe its good i didnt go, i dunno. But instead i went to tyson's house with david patrick and elise and that was pretty neato. I think we're gonna try to do it more often? i dunno lol. But then on saturday it was lindzeys birthday! woohoo, happy birthday kiddo! lol but we went to the olive garden and had amazing food, plus the five of us were finally together and nothing bad happened! it was so nice, i had really missed it. Then afterwards lindzey tiffany and i went shopping to kill time until we saw elizabethtown at 715, and julia shaylea tommy and ricky met us there. It was a pretty good movie, kind of different though. It was the first time i had been to the new cinemas though and i really liked it, its so nice. then today was nothing too exciting, just worked pretty much.

Kayla and i are fine now yess! lol she was mad at me and i thought she like hated me or something and i felt really bad, i dont hate her and i was never mad at her so it sucked, but its all good now, i talked to her.

I really dont want to go to school tomorrow, its spirit week though so that will hopefully be somewhat entertaining. I dont really like doing most of the days though but oh well. I cant wait till friday its our homecoming game yess! ive only gotten to go to one game this year so far it sucks...freaking working and working for other people so that they can go! grrr lol oh well

i just hope this is a good week!

well here are some pictures from lindzey's birthday and just randomly at school..

I know that starting over's not what life's about, but my thoughts are so loud i cant hear my mouth

Thu, 13 Oct 2005 04:28:46 GMT

So yesterday when we went to see wallace and gromit, yeah we were the ONLY two people there, it was just a tad awkward...and last time i went to the movies there were only four people, its weird lol. But it was fine, saw the little penguin movie deal it was funny lol. Then i just hung out with kelsi for a while and our pumpkin didnt have very many seeds it was sad, but i finally got to meet her moms boyfriend!

Today was an okay day..nothing exciting happened, it was rather boring actually. Mr. Acocks's room is like infested with spiders or something because there was one in there today, although it was quite tiny..but still!

::about 4 and half hours pass::

Work tonight was alright...really really slow and boring as heck, but tyson and david H were entertaining, tyson is such a punk, dont believe anything he says about me! its all lies! lol

So we have no school on friday which i am very excited about, but i need to find a way to go shopping for lindzey, whos birthday is saturday! heck yes, we are taking her to the olive garden, how exciting is that?! so tomorrow is our friday! woo hoo

but anyways i need to go do stuff so im outie!

dont quote me boy i aint said shit

Tue, 11 Oct 2005 23:21:05 GMT

i freaking HATE the dentist, and teeth, any combination of the two or having anything to do with them!!! gah

I'm going to go to a movie with kelsi tonight then go carve a pumpkin though so tonight should be fun, now i wont be mad about my teeth lol. I'll update more later though i was just mad lol..laters

I'm not the same as when i began

Tue, 11 Oct 2005 04:17:26 GMT

So i had a pretty good weekend. On saturday i ended up going bowling with David and Tyson, i won two games, heck yes lol. Then we went to eat at happy terriyaki and just talked for a while, it was nice. After that we went and rented a movie and watched it at davids, and patrick came over after he got off work, it was pretty fun, i enjoyed it. I hadnt really talked to or seen david in a while. Then on sunday i went to church with marianne and melinda and watched kristen's band play, they were good, it was nice...then it was off to breakfast with them all afterwards. I was gonna come home and sleep afterwards because i was tired, but marianne melinda and kristen were going shopping and i couldnt resist so i went with them. I didnt really get anything, but it was still fun..besides the freaking loud fire alarms that were going off in the mall...here are a couple pictures of us on our shopping trip..

Anywho...today was an okay day, nothing too exciting happened, besides in accounting this girl freaked out and jumped up from her seat and everyone looked over and there was an ENORMOUS spider sitting on her chair that had crawled on her hand..if i were here i probably would have cried, that thing was massive...so that had everyone all stirred up for a while lol...then tonight i went up to the school to order my cap and gown and ring and whatnot.

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow, that place is becoming like home to me lol, but i was hoping they would call soon anyways so im kinda excited...::hopefully:: everything will look good and it will be the last time ill have to go there! cross your fingers! lol Everyone is at the thrice and underoath concert tonight...i really really wanna go to the hawthorne heights show and the fall out boy show...but im not so sure if i can pull it together...hmm, i hope so. Well anywhozit...im bored so im out of here...later

You are so hard to read, you play hide and seek with your true intentions

Sat, 08 Oct 2005 23:22:26 GMT

who got 100% on her accounting test...oh yes, i did!! heck yes, i rule..lol

So i stayed through 4th period on friday when i didnt have to for the pep assembly which sucked...it was quite lame, but oh well. School was pretty good on friday..

Then last night emily came over to watch a movie, which we never ended up watching, we just hung out and talked forever since we never see eachother anymore. Then we went to dennys later with some people because jen is leaving for cali soon so they wanted to see her. It was pretty fun..i never get to see any of them anymore so it was nice. Then i saw dan there!! i was sooo happy, i miss him, i havent seen him in sooo long i enjoyed it. So kristens band is playing at calvary tomorrow morning so im going to go watch them, im pretty excited about that, theyre pretty good.

Worked today and it wasnt anything too exciting, i got to go home early though so thats good..i actually talked to david this morning though and it was nice, i havent talked to him really in a long time. He wants to go bowling tonight with tyson and asked if i wanna go..so i might be doing that, pretty stoked.

Welp, the weather is crappy and i dont like it, but im bored and have nothing to do this weekend so im gonna go do laundry or soemthing..im outie!

Will you tell all your friends you've got your gun to my head? This all was only wishful thinking..

Fri, 07 Oct 2005 06:43:02 GMT

Today was such a weird day...tonight at work this guy was walking by outside and like stopped and was gawking really creepily in the window...like it was TOTALLY obvious he was staring at us, and i just happened to be looking out there so i looked away quickly, then he walked back by later and stopped by the corner and kept looking back and staring...and of course i was looking again! so we all looked away and he kept walking, then like two minutes later he was walking back and came inside! i was like ahhh you guys hes coming in! so i walked away and hid and kayla comes back from the counter with a little yellow rose and was like "he said this was for the long haired brunette" and that had to be either me or kristine, and since i was the one who kept looking at him they all said he meant me! ahhh lol it was the strangest thing...everyone kept making fun of me and saying i have tons of admirers...ahh, lol Then this little boy had a birthday thingymajig and he was with all the football people and they were video recording and when they left they recorded me and kristine and yeah it was just really weird lol. Then the boys were being crazy...it was kind of stupid, lol i dunno...they made themselves puke and stuff...pretty sick, but whatever they want i guess lol. I was so clumsy today though, i spilt a huge rootbeer and ran into about 20 things lol and kept stepping on people and sheesh it was just not my day lol, then kelsi spilt a rootbeer later on the rug...lol we were not doing very well today. But it was pretty fun so its okay.

I had a test in accounting today...easy smeasy, i better have done amazing on it lol, that class is so easy i love it. Yeah we had a late start today, didnt get up until 9..it was quite nice. tomorrow im staying through fourth period because we have a pep assembly and i wanna go..hopefully see patrick looking like a fool! haha juust kidding, but yeah so hopefully that will be exciting.

So yeah anyways im going to bed now because im el boredo...adios amigos

tuck me in with the tarantulas, i wanna let them in my mouth and down my throat to lay their eggs

Thu, 06 Oct 2005 04:53:39 GMT

i was doing laundry earlier and picked up a blanket and the BIGGEST SPIDER EVER!!!! crawled out from under it...i about had a heart attack lol i made my dad go kill it and when i yelled for him i was all ahhh and frantic lol and he thought something serious was wrong...but man it was freaking huge!

Anyways...today went pretty well, hung out with kelsi for a little while and went to look at her senior pics to help pick which one she wanted in the yearbook, so that was super cool..nothing too exciting happened other than that though, i have homework and other things to do still so im gonna jet...but late start tomorrow woohoo im not getting up at 630! yesss! lol adios

Every nights another story

Wed, 05 Oct 2005 05:05:11 GMT

So the dentist went okay, i stilllll dont have my crown :-/ but oh well id rather it look perfect-o! so hopefully it will be back in about a week and ill be happy with it...then its off to the orthodontist, again. Work went fine too...i love working with kristine, shes so much fun! lol the boys were being pains like normal and giving me crap, but they were funny at times, and quite annoying at others though lol. But overall my night went better than i thought it was going to.

I still feel like crap about what happened...and now i feel like shes mad at me or something and im scared to talk to her :-/ lol hmm but hopefully thats not the case and im just overreacting

[[Edit: scratch the being mad part...but i still feel bad lol]]

Well i suppose i shall go, i have chemistry homework i've put off too long...chow

Even if things get heavy we'll all float on, all right dont worry, we'll all float on

Tue, 04 Oct 2005 20:53:18 GMT

holy crap i hate how im so good at screwing things up! Nothing i ever say comes out the way i want it to..

Im sorry! im sorry i made it seem worse than it is, im sorry i made you feel like you arent appreciated and that i dont absolutely adore everything youve done for me...Youre like the one exception to my feelings and i hate that i made it seem differently...i dont know what to say, i know im not as good to you as i should be, but i dont really put myself out there to anyone anymore..i know theres many things i should do but i dont, but i still dont want you to feel like i dont appreciate you or love you more than anything ok! You've put up with me through everything and i know youre the one person who will always be there for me...i know this! dont ever think i dont think youre good enough, and i hope you dont think i dont care about you...i dunno, im just sorry okay. i love you my dear

But! on another note...today went pretty well up to about now..i got a perfect score on a quiz in accounting, and i got a 99% on my last test in there...score! i helped julia with some honor society stuff and got to see some people, it was nice actually doing something lol But yeah today went pretty well..my days go by sooo fast its crazy, but i love it. But now im waiting to go to the dentist and then i have to go to work right after so tonights not looking so good, but hopefully it will turn out fine...i dunno i just feel bad now, im such a terrible person! lol someone punch me...

This emptiness that i feel, it really just aint my style

Tue, 04 Oct 2005 06:39:38 GMT

so that question "have you ever cried for no reason?" well yeah, just accomplished that one! even though i guess there is somewhat of a reason, or reason(s)...but im just so confusing! i hate it

Like right now i just feel like none of the people i care about show me that they care about me...like, i dont know, maybe im just stupid and think i need attention, when im really not like that! but gah, shouldnt a person be able to KNOW that people actually WANT to hang out, or just to even care about how their day went, like all the time, to know that someone actually gets happy to be around you, that someone actually thinks about you when you arent together or havent talked for a while? i dunno its just really hard for me to believe that people really care about me when they dont show me often...seems fair enough, but maybe im crazy.

Anywho!...i dunno, things aren't really too bad, talked to kelsi tonight, finally, i hate these little things we go through..because NOTHING was wrong, we just didnt talk..how lame!! lol but i think we're gonna hang out soon so its all good lol

So its pretty sweet to start getting to know someone who is pretty awesome, it makes me happy lol..just someone new who wants to talk, its nice..fun fun!

haha i kinda got myself into a hole though...and i was just trying to be nice! gah, im so bad at committing and saying that i'll do something when i really dont want to lol..is that so bad? i just dont want to be mean!

Well im off to bed, i have a dentist appointment tomorrow..again! ive had so many lately..but it will all be over soon, yesss! ive been waiting for this for years lol. im outie!

This is my life...love it or leave it

Sun, 02 Oct 2005 21:23:48 GMT

So i decided that since i havent updated my lj in forrrrever, i just got a new one, its pretty similar but i just wanted all the old entries to be gone...no one needs to see those anymore lol.

So senior year! pretty crazy..its nice finally being at the top, even though all the younger kids still think theyre better...they'll learn. lol Its pretty scary though, graduation is gonna come too soon, but i cant wait to get out at the same time. Senior year is pretty dang expensive though, and im definately not looking forward to the good ol' senior project...i still dont know what to do, oh well!

Well summer was pretty much a bust, probably the lamest summer ive had...in a while. It did have its highlights though, of course..I learned a lot, about a lot of people..and im over certain things (or people :-/ ) but its all good...althought it has left me now in a spot where i wish a lot of things were different, if i could change all the relationships i have with certain friends, or how ive handled them, i would, but some things just wont change.

I've been talking to and hanging out with tiffany a lot more lately and i love it! its great, it was a shame that we werent, and im sorry. Im glad that since school has started ive been talking to lindzey julia and shaylea more, i cant believe i didnt see any of them at all during the summer, but it happens, and its probly my fault, but i cant change it now...but i missed them and im glad we're talking more now! There is one person though that since school has started she doesnt talk to me anymore...it hurts, and i hate it very much...but im not going to push at it and just push her away, if you want to talk to me kelsi you can go ahead and do it, because i miss you, im just sorry you dont want to talk to me :-/...i never meant to get on your nerves or anything, heck i dont even know whats wrong, but im sorry.

Well hopefully i will actually keep up on this thing, but ill post more later maybe...im bored already lol